SATIRE. Fiction. The advisory and officials described below do not exist.
Local wildlife officials issued guidance this week reminding residents that the region's Flock population is fully capable of feeding itself and requires no assistance from the public.
The advisory notes that the species' diet consists exclusively of license plates, that portions are collected automatically, and that commuting to work is technically a scheduled feeding. Residents who wish to reduce feeding are advised to consider not owning a car, which officials acknowledged is 'not a serious suggestion.'
The guidance closes with a reminder that hand-feeding is unnecessary, unhelpful, and, at highway speed, discouraged.